GoOd FriDaY

Hax so long haven't blogged... :( Haha see, so lazy that I couldn't even get myself into the mood of writing anything... But today is different... There's sthg important that I need to talk about... It's today that I realize one thing, the one thing I dun wanna face at all, that I'm actually more mature than I thought.. Ms Teh knows that..

This is the first time I have shared such lots of thoughts to a person that I got to know in Singapore.. She has been a good and understanding CM, she knows what is good and what is bad for us... She has always helped us out and given us priceless advices... But I have seen something in her that resembles me, or actually a part of me... She's a workaholic type of person, as everybody can tell, we only see the lights in her room on twice or 3 times a week.. Sometimes when she's free she likes to walk around the cluster and see how things go with us, give us some advice or cheer us up, or even buy ice creams and pizzas for us.. Haha that's so nice of her.. Although she's a mature person, she's still very young, and (this is the important part), she always seems to be so childish, just to make others happy... Just like me.. I act stupidly sometimes, in front of many ppl, it's still me though.. But when I'm by myself or with one or 2 ppl, the sentimental part of me wins over and everything just pours out...

She invited me to her church today for a dance musical show... Err i didn't like this kind of church thing because it made me sick (now I still dunno whether this kind of thought is a sin), everything they do is try to persuade ppl into believing that God exists, that we should come to church, to their services... Well, I can't see the point u noe... What do they do that for, does God really exist, do they earn money from this kind of service??? I'm still on the way to find out all this...

After I finished reading Small Gods and watching this dance show, I have been able to understand something.. God creates Man, but for all this while, Man has been turning away from God, just like when ur parents give birth to u, they tell u to do this or that, but u don't follow them, that's when u have committed a sin... The pastor today also said that Jesus died on the cross to wash away Our sin and put on us some blood kind of thing.. Good Friday is the day that commemorates His death and what he had done to us... They said we have been so far away from Him and that's why it's time for us to stay near him and get His blessings.. Well I kinda understand what they are all thinking, because they believe in God.. But how can u believe in sth that u cannot see or touch... I thought Jesus didn't even exist, so how could he die? And most importantly, I wonder how they actually talk to God, or they are just simply talking to themselves... I have no evidences to believe in sth that is so not true... Same as when I was back home, when I heard my parents and uncles, aunties talking about LIFE up there or down there, about incarnation and all those things... My dad has actually told me that grandmum came back and talked to him, in his dream of course... Some of my uncles and aunts also dreamt such dreams and described the same thing, as in the way my grandma dressed and talked to them... Howcan I believe them while I'm not the one who experienced it??? But I could also not say that they were lying, becos.. why do they need to lie... It's more confusing than I thought...

Life has different kinds of things to expect.. And maybe it's different for each one of us... But I dun think it's God who arranged everything.. Success, fame, money, all this.. are what we are all pursuing, and that pastor said they're not as important as being close to God, since He will guide u, through darkness to a better place... Erm I dun agree with this.. Even though God can be omnipotent, omnipresent or even omniscient or whatever, what they were saying is impossible... Arg so confusing, well, they can just go and pray to their God the whole day lol...

I talked to her all the way back.. about my parents too.. suddenly feel proud of my parents than ever before, because they are the best and most important ppl in my life... They have brought me up the way that I am right now and I'm proud of that... I have never been short of anything, I'm always loved...

About me, I always feel tense when she asks me about myself.. In those situations, I always have a feeling that she's actually comparing me with someone I should not mention here... But I realize I'm different from that her, and I dun need to try to be someone that is not me... Noone is perfect and I'm proud to be me, not any other person... Staying overseas, especially in a dorm is such a cool experience, in a sense that u can observe other ppl's lives from ur point of view and u will try to learn sth good from them and u can actually combine their qualities that u think they're good to make them urs... And it's great that I'm doing it... I'm able to balance myself... I dun need to stand at the top of the mountain, looking down on everybody with a bitchy face, or right at the bottom to be able to get my scholarship terminated.. Haha.. All I need to do is enjoy myself while studying here, get to know more friends, and do whatever that gets me satisfied... But some ppl say it's better to make a change, u cannot always stand in the middle of the crowd and watch others move.. Well as if I don't... I always change and I can feel deep down inside that something is different in me everyday, that I'm changing and making a difference... Only I am able to see it.. Just like God haha.. I cannot tell u when but one day, I will show u...